Farewell Dream

"Alang, besar nanti nak jadi apa?"

"Nak jadi doktor."

Tu soalan dari parents aku masa aku tengah sibuk dengn basikal baru. Yes, that memory is so fresh yet so scary. Dulu, aku cakap tu sbb aku fikir duit. Gaji. Yes, mmg umur muda lgi masa tu, in fact still sekolah rendah. Tapi disebabkan selalu tengok tv and it give me mind set that "being a doctor will give me enough money." Heck, its not!

As I grow up, I live knowing that being doctor is not what as my child mind thing. But I think, I can't give up now, my parents were counting at me. Its heavy. Its so freaking heavy burden. I decide to go on. Its depressing, yes, I admit, untuk pergi ke jalan yang kau sendiri tak pasti sangat susah. Tapi aku bayangkan parents aku yang perhati aku dari belakang. I cannot show them I hate this journey.

But then, I got the interview. To further my study in medical area. However, luck is not on my side. I take that as rezeki is not on my side, and I'm not that good to be a doctor anyway. My parents? Yep, ofcourse kecewa. Unimaginable kecewa. Abah tak bercakap dengan aku for a few days bila tau aku dapat course biotechnology instead of medicine. Mom... she tried to comfort me but at the same time, she keep asking if there is nothing else I can do. It hurts to hurts your parents. I can't understand how some people can do it.

I decide to go on with Biotechnology course and mula cari a few info on this course. I still have no idea what will I turn to after this 3 years course. Tbh, I accept the offer with no absolute idea of what it is. Bila datang sini (sabah), my friend ask me, "Kau okay ke tak dpt medic?" Aku senyum je. Sbb tak mampu nk jawab.

Sakit. Yes, I feel sick everytime I watch medical drama. I feel sick everytime I saw medical student. I feel sick reading about health and diseases. I feel sick to read tweets or books or blogs written by doctors. I terribly feel sick. At some point, it make me want to throw up. Aku serious. Rasa mcm hati kena hiris dengan pisau. Sakitlah! Kenapa kau tanyaaa. Yes, aku senyum. Yes, I joke around with my friend that got medic course. Yes. Kau tahu sebab apa? Sebab aku tknk benda tu lemahkan aku. Aku tknk nampak lemah kat mata korang. You have no idea how dark I feel.

Now, I live the present. I don't want to construct my future. Aku taknak fikir nak kerja apa lepas graduate. Sikit pun taknak fikir. Bila parents aku tanya, the only thing aku jawab "Mak, Abah kata rezeki tu kat Allah kan? So tolong percaya tu." They need to hold their words. The told me that so they neee to believe it too.

Cheer up. Heads up. Live the future.

Notes:The good part not involve in medic is some of my worries are gone. Poof! Gone. Just like that.