It has been a long time since I write something here. I still write. Here and there. Scribble on my note book. One or two sentence. A few words of breaking. A few words to keep going. Writing is still my favorite part. Still a way for me to express myself. It's just that, I feel like I keep losing myself now and then for no reason. I have no idea what happen in my deep thought. I don't want to go there anyway. It's scary, dark and full of fear.

Nothing much happen in my life. There's no spark. It's plain and dull, make me have nothing to look forward to everyday. It's a cycle of waking up, going to class, handing works, go to bed and start it all over again. It's boring. In term of colour, it's in grey. Like an old film with no colours with bad story plot. The thought of I have to do something is the only things that make me wake up and not sleeping till the next day. Sure, I laugh with my friends but I'm seeking of something that make my adrenaline go rush. Something that make me not be able to sleep due to excitement. Something that make me smile wide just by the thought of it. Something. Anything. But, I guess, there's nothing like that for me in this world. I don't know. It's getting hard to keep going sometimes. Seeing everyone achieve something in their life while you still wondering what to do in the future. Still in question what you will become. Yes, of course, get a degree and find a job. But then what? What should I do in between that goals? What?

I really have no idea.

I don’t really like letting my inner character to expose to anyone. I tend to hide myself in any way possible because I’m afraid of people reaction and treatment towards me. however, yesterday was an exception. I don’t know how it happen but I kind of just let the words flow through my mouth. Yes, there was a little hesitation but well, I don’t know, maybe it’s because I trust her so let it be.

She told me people who look simple on the outside are people who is very complex inside. This kind of people have many cloud on their head. They think a lot. Yet this people are scary. I understand her. I, myself is the same as the person she describe. I rarely talk but I observe a lot. That is I actually know some of the social information like who dating who. Recently, I found out about this two people secret relationship. I mean, they date each other, but no one know. Well, only few people know. No one tell me about them but I know they are together. Even, this couple so called friend ask me ‘How do you know?’ and I just answer with a simple “I just know.” I have no idea how to explain after all.

I know I’m scary. If I open myself to you and let you hear all my thought, you will find me even scarier. I find myself scary too. And I’m afraid of myself too.

I told her, how I always give up on people around me. Like why today you see me with her and the next day we grow apart and I end up with other people. Some people are curious about this part of me too. For the past years, they actually ask me who is my friend during my foundation year. I have no absolute answer since I just go with anyone I’m comfortable with. I tell my friend, I don’t know if I’ll still with her for the next 2 years. She ask me why. It’s because if one day, I start to feel like you no longer need me and I’m no other than just a nuisance to you, I will start to distant myself a bit by bit. Every day, that ‘bit by bit’ will make us apart and since it’s ‘a bit’, you might not notice it until I fully gone.

My mind is full with ‘what if’ and insecurities. To be honest, I hate my mind way of thinking. Sometimes, I do have trouble sleeping because I got overthinking and everything make me want to throw up. It’s bad.

It’s good though to at least let someone know a little thing about you.

I caught myself thinking of you again today.

I couldn't help it.

You make me wanted to think of you all day.

I know it's a bad thing.

People will think that I'm too crazy for you.

I don't.

Or maybe I am.

I don't know.

But

I don't want to say it all as a bad thing.

When you come into my mind

I thought the need of me to study hard

To work hard

To keep going and struggle myself

I'm pursuing something you used to want when we're a kid

I'm pursuing your dream

I don't know if your dream have change after all this year we've separated

But I want to keep that in my mind

So that one day, if we ever meet

I have something to talk to you

I would tell you,

"Hey, I'm actually learning something you want to learn."

And I wish you to say,

"That's awesome."

I would like to keep the conversation going

To the never ending talk

I want you to be proud of me

"Yeah, it 's all thanks to you."

"Oh why is it?"

"Because no matter where I am, and no matter where you are, you're the one who make me to keep going."

I would like to say, how those year, the pain of missing you make me want to do better

It's good right?

I want you to be proud of me

I want you to smile at me and pat my head

Saying I'm doing great

Telling me I'm managing myself right because I don't indulge myself in my own feeling

I would like to look you in the eyes

And say,

"I'm proud of you too. We did it. And I made it. Waiting for you."

cr owner

There will always be three side of story.

Your side.

My side.

And the truth.

Your side is the story with the information you know.

My side is the story with the information I know.

And the truth is the story with all the information.

But, there will always another part.

Their’s.

The watcher. The listener.

Their part might have the information we fail to see. Their part might be things they are assuming.

All this part will have a slightly different thing.

Only the truth know what is real. What happen. Who’s there. Everything.

What I learn from today, never start assuming. Never believe on one side of the story. Never.

Because one day, you might end up regretting it. People say something based on what they know and what they see.

 Things can be different. There will always plot twist.

At the age of 20,

I realize I give so much trouble to my family.

I give them more reason to worry about me.

I give them more reason to keep babbling about my health.

Its not that I dislike them for caring.

But I feel sorry that

Despite of their busy schedule

Despite of their problem managing family

I still occupy some part of their brain.

I'm thankful but feel sorry at the same time.
I pray.
I pray that one day, I'll be able to take care of them too.
More than the way they take care of me.

Through random time, you will find me scrolling over 

long caption that people write. 

You find me focus on a book full of poem and sweet words.

You find me stop in the middle of city to read a 

caption on random advertisement.

But there will be time, 

you see I'm not interested in bookstores. 

You will see I walk as fast as I want not wanting to 

care about anyone.

You will see I ignore every great words you show me

During those random times,

I hope you will stay by my side.

I hope you find way to cope with me.

And most important, I hope you love both version of me.

Growing up, I realise everyone who said, "you're so nice to me. You're the only one that being nice to me," will eventually go. At first I thought that it is so special. I feel I have a good place in their heart. But up to this point, I hate that words. it feels like a curse. 

Whenever someone start saying that words, my mind will automatically think, "ahh they're going to go. Soon they will go." I will find myself being all frustrated after that. 

Blaming myself why I'm too kind to this people. I shouldn't let them see this side of me.

But

I found myself do it again everyday. It turns out that they are the one who have a good place in my heart.

"Alang, besar nanti nak jadi apa?"

"Nak jadi doktor."

Tu soalan dari parents aku masa aku tengah sibuk dengn basikal baru. Yes, that memory is so fresh yet so scary. Dulu, aku cakap tu sbb aku fikir duit. Gaji. Yes, mmg umur muda lgi masa tu, in fact still sekolah rendah. Tapi disebabkan selalu tengok tv and it give me mind set that "being a doctor will give me enough money." Heck, its not!

As I grow up, I live knowing that being doctor is not what as my child mind thing. But I think, I can't give up now, my parents were counting at me. Its heavy. Its so freaking heavy burden. I decide to go on. Its depressing, yes, I admit, untuk pergi ke jalan yang kau sendiri tak pasti sangat susah. Tapi aku bayangkan parents aku yang perhati aku dari belakang. I cannot show them I hate this journey.

But then, I got the interview. To further my study in medical area. However, luck is not on my side. I take that as rezeki is not on my side, and I'm not that good to be a doctor anyway. My parents? Yep, ofcourse kecewa. Unimaginable kecewa. Abah tak bercakap dengan aku for a few days bila tau aku dapat course biotechnology instead of medicine. Mom... she tried to comfort me but at the same time, she keep asking if there is nothing else I can do. It hurts to hurts your parents. I can't understand how some people can do it.

I decide to go on with Biotechnology course and mula cari a few info on this course. I still have no idea what will I turn to after this 3 years course. Tbh, I accept the offer with no absolute idea of what it is. Bila datang sini (sabah), my friend ask me, "Kau okay ke tak dpt medic?" Aku senyum je. Sbb tak mampu nk jawab.

Sakit. Yes, I feel sick everytime I watch medical drama. I feel sick everytime I saw medical student. I feel sick reading about health and diseases. I feel sick to read tweets or books or blogs written by doctors. I terribly feel sick. At some point, it make me want to throw up. Aku serious. Rasa mcm hati kena hiris dengan pisau. Sakitlah! Kenapa kau tanyaaa. Yes, aku senyum. Yes, I joke around with my friend that got medic course. Yes. Kau tahu sebab apa? Sebab aku tknk benda tu lemahkan aku. Aku tknk nampak lemah kat mata korang. You have no idea how dark I feel.

Now, I live the present. I don't want to construct my future. Aku taknak fikir nak kerja apa lepas graduate. Sikit pun taknak fikir. Bila parents aku tanya, the only thing aku jawab "Mak, Abah kata rezeki tu kat Allah kan? So tolong percaya tu." They need to hold their words. The told me that so they neee to believe it too.

Cheer up. Heads up. Live the future.

Notes:The good part not involve in medic is some of my worries are gone. Poof! Gone. Just like that.

Kau kata kau rindu.

Kau kata kau rindu.

Selalu.

Kau marah bila aku kata,

"Aku tak rindu kau."

Kau terasa.

Tapi kau tak tahu

Aku lagi rindu kau.

Sebab kau

Sebab aku

Ada memori yang terpahat dalam minda

Memori yang aku yakin kau dan aku sahaja tahu

Tapi jujur

Aku tahu kau dah berubah

Dan

Disebabkan perubahan itulah

Aku takut nak tegur kau

Jadi jangan tanya aku

Kenapa aku sombong

Kenapa aku tak rindu

Sebab

Sebetulnya aku rindu 

Cuma aku takut

Takut dengan diri kau