I don’t
really like letting my inner character to expose to anyone. I tend to hide
myself in any way possible because I’m afraid of people reaction and treatment
towards me. however, yesterday was an exception. I don’t know how it happen but
I kind of just let the words flow through my mouth. Yes, there was a little hesitation
but well, I don’t know, maybe it’s because I trust her so let it be.
She told me
people who look simple on the outside are people who is very complex inside. This
kind of people have many cloud on their head. They think a lot. Yet this people
are scary. I understand her. I, myself is the same as the person she describe. I
rarely talk but I observe a lot. That is I actually know some of the social information
like who dating who. Recently, I found out about this two people secret
relationship. I mean, they date each other, but no one know. Well, only few
people know. No one tell me about them but I know they are together. Even, this
couple so called friend ask me ‘How do you know?’ and I just answer with a
simple “I just know.” I have no idea how to explain after all.
I know I’m
scary. If I open myself to you and let you hear all my thought, you will find
me even scarier. I find myself scary too. And I’m afraid of myself too.
I told her,
how I always give up on people around me. Like why today you see me with her
and the next day we grow apart and I end up with other people. Some people are
curious about this part of me too. For the past years, they actually ask me who
is my friend during my foundation year. I have no absolute answer since I just go
with anyone I’m comfortable with. I tell my friend, I don’t know if I’ll still
with her for the next 2 years. She ask me why. It’s because if one day, I start
to feel like you no longer need me and I’m no other than just a nuisance to
you, I will start to distant myself a bit by bit. Every day, that ‘bit by bit’
will make us apart and since it’s ‘a bit’, you might not notice it until I fully
gone.
My mind is
full with ‘what if’ and insecurities. To be honest, I hate my mind way of
thinking. Sometimes, I do have trouble sleeping because I got overthinking and
everything make me want to throw up. It’s bad.
It’s good
though to at least let someone know a little thing about you.
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